Hoy lo ví.

Hoy lo ví. ¿Se dió cuenta de cómo lo miraba?
Qué raro es saber que a pesar de que ya ha pasado un tiempo, todavía siento exactamente lo mismo que el día ese en que me dejó sólo, llorando, mirando desde un puente como se iba para siempre. Lo peor es que todavía quiero llorar y gritar. Cuánto lo amo, ¿Sabía? Yo nunca lo dije en vano. De verdad lo sentía, lo siento.
Lo siento. Lamentable, ¿No?
Pensar que a veces sigo con usted en mi mente. Y cuando parece que empiezo a olvidarlo, ahi aparece usted. Qué injusto.
Who is the selfish here? Ah?
Why don't you just answer that bloody question once and for all?
Pero nada. Yo seguiré pensando que usted es al único que quiero mientras usted se revuelca por ahi en camas ajenas, robando alientos ajenos que no le pertenecen.
Que mal ¿no?

Sunday. Octobre 17

There is not enough space.
There is not enough love for the others.
Too much self-centeredness.
Quite a few gifts.
Anyway.

Brand New Day

Blessings from high above. Yeah, right.
Easy come, easy go. For what is worth, most writings, at least mine, have a code the writer uses, for people not to exactly get what is being expressed by the author (as if anybody were reading this). Today is quite an odd day, but if I start thinking, all these days have been pretty much different from what my usual rutine is (or was). I woke up at 8.45 and went to the gym, spend a couple of hours and talked to a very very interesting person I'd love to get to know much more. Afterwards, I came home, and after doing nothin on the pc for some minutes, I took a nap. I woke up, and honestly, do not remember what I dreamt about. Then (and here comes the coded part), what had begun some months ago as a fooling around became kinda real. The heart broke a bit, though it was kind of cool, and old memories of hurting times came along. The most hated words were remembered and blue covered everything. Red took over, though. And it was suddenly.
Anyway, the rest of the day just passed as any other saturday, I saw some good friends who have been so precious, and I had a great night time.

I am.

I am the kind of boy who just closes their eyes and leaps.
Dangerous! of course, and most of the times it is not worth it!
However, I'm sure following my at-times-damaged instinct will pay off.
Some people do not understand why my childish ways are so repetitive in me, but it is just the way I am. I don't wanna change that. I believe in love, and maybe I'm too much of a delusional guy, but I really think a happily ever after is possible. Of course, my concept of "happily ever after" is quite different from what people conceive on their minds. I truly believe in "building" in a team. Commitment, decisions, and those elements which stick two people together cannot be missing in a relationship (i guess). For what it is worth, I do not know anything, nor anybody!!!!!!! :P

Broken hearted

The thingy here is that that sounds like a cliché, and I hate it, but it is so true.
I just put my heart and my life on my hands, I offer them to him, he just walks away.
How unfair, right?
I thought he was the one, the perfect one. I thought he was perfect.
Piece of news! HE AIN'T. Cuz he doesn't love me.
What to do when you can't accept he is not a part of your life, he won't share nothing with you.
What to do with the anger that grows on your heart, when you get angry at him, angry at you, angry at everyone.
What to do when you want something so badly with all your heart you could even negociate your gifts just to be with him forever.
What to do when you are just depressed, don't want anything, don't want to want anything different.
What to do when the acceptance time comes, and you just don't want to accept things.

How to see things from his point of view. "he just doesn't feel it".
Really? how does that work?
I wish there were answers, and even better, solutions cuz I just want to vanish. Dig a hole, sth, you see.
No matter what real things are, no matter how well he explained how it couldn't be possible, the only image on my mind is him. Him walking away from me. Him telling me, I don't want your heart, I won't share my life with you, I just wanna be your friend, the one you'll always love and desire, but also the one whom you'll never get. Right?
Not right. Not at all.

What to do when things go wrong, which means, what to do everyday?
How to forget when it is not an option.
Where to look when I don't want to open my eyes.
Whom to talk to when nobody notices how miserable you feel.
Of course, no one does. Right?
anywho.

Poker Face

MY FIRST SONG

Write course.

Yeah, I got no idea what this life thinks of us. I mean, I know that things are supposed to be kind of hard or something, but at times they just get so indescribably “not decipherable“ that you have not a clue of what to do.
The worst of all is that parents did not prepare us for the real hard things, the world they “forged” into us is so weirdly non-existent that I feel that I have to learn everything from zero and can only hold on to my own experience.
Not believing what other people (who are somehow, someway ignorant) say, makes me stronger. I do not want to follow other people’s direction concerning the actual experiences I am supposed to live, and “unleashing” me from that made me feel really free. I used to be a part of certain community which was supposed to bring hope and joy to people, but I learnt that underneath those fake smiles and broken hearts lie grieve, pain and suffering. Grieve, pain and suffering that us - human beings- are supposed to go through openly. Bad things are not bad, good things are not good; at least not always. Every single experience should be considered as an opportunity to grow. Being broken makes us human. There is no such thing as the complete happiness. Life is always hard, and that is just a fact. Nevertheless, that is good because at the end of the day those experiences are the ones that make us the people we are.
I am homosexual, and I used to believe that was not good; I felt I was evil and the devil was in me. Now, I am glad I am gay because if I weren’t I would not have started looking for my own way. I am not sure if God exists, and if he does, I am not sure he is just like the bible says he is. Anyway, I think that is not relevant now. My whole adolescence was a real sad gloom for me. I used to live in a hole, and I was always depressed and thinking the most stupid things. I thought of suicide, and even tried to do it a couple of times without success (well, I was really lucky of not succeeding). Anyway, it was not until I decided to accept myself as I am that I discovered real “satisfaction” about who I really am and about who I wanted to be.
Things are still hard and even more with my Christian family because they are totally against my being gay, but I am optimistic, maybe they will eventually accept me (but if they don’t, it is OK as long as I like me). The greatest motivation now in my life is finding the one who loves me and respects me and achieving my personal goals.
To sum up, I’d like to add that I –as every single person- have strengths and flaws, and they are there to make me grow as an individual. I might not like me the way I am right now, but I truly believe that I am in the right course.